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Monday, November 29, 2010

Miss them so badly

Four person I miss so much at this moment:
1) Nurul Akma Osman
-----Good luck for your final semester exam-----
2) Siti Fahrulina Mohd Fauzi
----Good luck for you too Ummu Ahmad :p------
3) Nurul Adilah Arshad
----When can we meet again?>sobs T_T----
(sorry no photo because i know you would not like to be published)
4) Shafiza Safri
----Pija, where are you? Silent mode eh?!----

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

When my dark side takes place

I cannot tolerate infidelity in marriage, especially when it involves a good man, devoted his entire life for the woman he loves with his full heart. I can swallow if both having problems, but if one is almost as perfect as man could be, i really can’t stand. I will started to hate if the reason of infidelity is about having the third party. How did they value love? How much they care about love? Older people might think we, a much younger generation will not understand life, but they are wrong. Maturity does not come with an understanding package. Understanding life itself is not merely through ages, it depends on how much you take them as information and apply to your life. Even without experiencing something, by learning from other people’s mistakes, we might as well know the consequences, good or bad.

My heart is broken, it has been reconstructed before, two times. But this time, because it is so much fragile, i cannot mend it anymore. My heart is like a glass. Once broken, roughly, i can take the pieces and stick them together, even if it cannot bear the same water capacity anymore, the least it can do is it’s still a glass, still having a look of a glass, a structure, even though not a perfect glass, it’s still there. But now, the pressure is too hard i couldn’t bear it anymore. The reconstructed glass is no longer dropped down. Something big hit it causing the pieces to be torn apart, not anymore into pieces, but into debris. Into molecular looking things. Like a conical flask containing suspension cells being hit by a 6 meter shaker up from a two double storey-house high. The precious banana suspension cells lose it lives. The conical flask which serves as the home of suspension cells, collapsed, broken down. No use. The conical flask containing banana suspension cells is just like me. I used to be precious, but now I feel empty, I feel angry, I feel betrayed, I feels sucks, I feel like a loser.

I  may look happy, but indeed, i live in misery. I may look friendly, but i love solace. I may look energetic, but indeed, I’m tired. I may look strong, but i am too weak. I may look brilliant, but I’m an idiot. I may look lovely, but I’m a hatred. I may look apologetic, but I keep grudges. I may look like i am, but i am not me. I am not myself. I am the bad side of this girl. I come when her good side turned darker. I am able to occupy her heart. I made her into this kind of person. She, the person who used to be full of herself, now is so much lacking, getting worse by day. And i cannot predict when is she going to get her good side. Maybe she want to see Suju again, haha. I dunno. She is like okay, but she is havocking. She is in dilemma, real test is she facing now. She is going to go through all this. I am the bad side. Let see until when can i control her…what do you think? As my name suggest, yes, i am the dark side of her heart. Bad = dark. Isn’t that comes together? May i ruin this girl? Talk to the time..

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Story of My Life

Attention! This is a very very long entry. Feel free to come again if you are unable to read all thoroughly. :)

Hi :) It’s been long since i wrote anything personal here. It’s just that whenever i felt something that i should write in here, i have to handle the lab works. So, i just keep talking to my heart, sometimes it does feel like I’m talking to somebody else. I’m a freak after all. It’s a holiday today. Three days off from working feels like heaven :)

To begin with, i want to tell you that I had lived for more or less, 23 years. Sounds like mature enough to talk about relationship with people around, huh? During the stages of my live, i have found many different people, with different behaviors, different personalities, different languages, different styles, different looks and most importantly, different adaptabilities towards myself. What can i tell you here is that, most of the people I mentioned above, i rarely called them friends.

Sounds like arrogant enough to not considered someone you know for quite some times as friends. Sounds like you are so much self-oriented, sounds like you are full of yourself. Yes, maybe that is real me. At least, that is what i am right now. If you know, you may not want to be close to me, I’m telling you.

When i was in primary school, in quite a small school with just two classes for each grades, i didn’t really involved in a kind of real friendship. I still remember some of the kids whom i played around and ate with during resting time. Still remember their names, yes, quite a few i can remember. Comparing to my little dongsaeng’s relationship with her friends, it makes me to conclude that i haven’t done enough to create a good childhood memory. I envy my dongsaeng so much as she manage to have birthday parties at her friends, pajama parties, gossiping all over again, but me, i was a boring girl.

After i entered secondary school, none of them contact me anymore. Since my primary school is quite far from home, none of them ever visited me. Don’t pity me yet. There is one whom i used to enter the same secondary school with, a boarding school. She was the one i used to be quite close to, only at my early months in the new school since i am not used to anyone else at the moment being.

She is the only one from my primary school who have ever come to my house. That was only after 6 years. I didn’t mind that much since I’m still young and glamour (ops..I don’t know why when it comes to the word young, I always wanted to add glamour together- since the last college dinner theme; young and glamour i guess). That last only few months. We separated due to the fact that we were not in the same dormitory and class. It creates barrier i tell you.

And i started to find people as friends. At a moment, i thought i have found them. At the age of 13 and 15, it is hard to differentiate between coincidental friends and real friends. I took everyone whom had done any good deeds at me as friends. Anyone who against my way, is never a friend.

After that, I restricted myself to be friend with only people who stay with me when i needed them, and people who have connections with me, like on the same class or in the same dormitory. I was a kind of hardly accept any other friend whom i used to be with. Another words, i didn’t talk to anyone else other than whom i really know. Sometimes i realized that in certain issues, i tried to adapt myself to be the same level as them (the people i found as friends) even though i have my own perceptions towards things. In order to not lose friend, i stayed their way.

In secondary school, i didn’t have any boyfriend. No, not even one. Don’t tell me I am not attracted at all haha. If you have endure the same situation as mine, you will never regret not having a boyfriend at that school. I don’t have any boy I’m closed to as well, again if you feel the way i feel, you would hi five me for not involving in those puppy love things. This is the most grateful things i have ever done in school i guess :p lol.

Still, there were things i really love about my secondary school. Even if i non-stop begging my mum to let me get out of the school, because i can’t stand the irrelevant rules, i can’t stand the killing schedule, i can’t stand some of the guys there who thinks they are so much greater, acting like a gangster, ahh i really don’t want to remember those, but i love the fact that i can enter university with decent grades.  I tell my mum, it was a bless, not because of my SPM result. To be honest, I am not really good at school. Except my first year in school i was placed in the top class, the remaining four years, i was in the second and third ranking class which makes me unpopular among teachers. I’m just a fella that frequently creates havoc at school.

The were times when i was called by the discipline board for things i did, most of the time, i was called by things i didn’t commit at all. But once the discipline board shout your name out loudly as it would burst out  the PA system, you are no longer a girl that boy in school will want to look at. Even if they didn’t know what exactly had happened. I didn’t say i want their attention, not at all. It’s just like the glances and weird look i received after my name had been called out that day, was so disgusting like they never did something wrong……ahh~again. I hate this memory call.

Maybe you can say, that’s the reason why i haven’t had any boyfriend in school. If you are a girl, will you at this kind of situation, wanted a boyfriend? If you are relevant enough, you will say I’m doing the right thing :) Enough talking about boyfriend. In the end, you’ll find bunch of men outside of school way better than you have had admire in school. This is real truth :)

Back to friends in my secondary school. There are people i used to called friends, i kept in my heart and some i never did because of some reasons. Five years in secondary and high school, i eventually find that only a few left the title friend. And some of them whom i never been closed to suddenly i put them into the list for a particular reason i didn’t want to mention here. But, adding and subtracting the list is done now. Maybe i just have to add some more in the future.

Done with schools, i entered foundation studies. I was really a mean at the beginning because the atmosphere was totally differ from the previous one. I have to breath accordingly, adaptable so I became more cautious. In the bedroom, there were three other people with me whom really good at communication with people. Well, me with exception. I’m just like the vice versa. The opposite of them. Rarely communicates, rarely talk, being hardheaded. At this time, i think i am really lost. I don’t know which way I’m going to choose. It was on my early 18’s. Sometimes, I’m thinking of dropping out of the university and do something else which i didn’t even planned. A lot of thoughts in my head, but none of them worth to opt.

The last thing to opt, I just follow the wind that strikes me. It’s the result of thinking after two months. I stopped thinking about the future and what lies ahead. I will just stay and do my best. That’s what i pledged to myself since my parents seems happy to the fact that i was there. Look at the way they ignored me when i begged to transfer to another school, it resulted in me getting a place in university, well not bad for a lazy girl at school like me. So, listening to your parents is still the best option.

The biggest secret thing about me not everyone knows is that i am a person who really needs time to adapt to new environment. Say it in school, be it in university or even at work, my heart trembled, pounding and throbbing at unstable rate until i get to follow the rhythm. It may takes time, but once i can be able to make myself around, i can make friends :).

During my foundation studies, i really make friends. Or maybe not. I mean, a lot of people came to me, wanted to be friend, even though I’m not someone. I entered the fourth over four classes during my first semester. I didn’t know how they sorted us into classes, based on what. But i heard rumors saying that we were sorted based on our test result done during orientation week. OMG! I think i failed that paper. Maybe I’m the worst ever student there. And after thinking again, i didn’t mind about that. It was just a starting point.

I don’t know why, in every classes, i always wanted to sit in the very front seat. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s not that i wanted to be recognize by the lecturers, but maybe because i wanted to do things that i cannot do in school. Yes, in school, i never get any chances to sit in the front line. You can name it a gender bias or what, but for me it’s just another irrelevant issues i always argued. I hope things will change by years.

When you sat on the very front line, others perception; may be you are a very good student, scores very well in school, talk less, read more and intelligent. Darn it. It’s not very true, cannot be applied to all. And when you started answering some of the questions asked by lecturers, their perception is getting firm. Here’s what I’m gonna answer.

The people who stayed close to lecturer will hear every words they are telling you. Once they speak, the people staying at the front will spontaneously get the question in one go. But the people staying back, will have their friends repeating the question over again. That’s why they didn’t have chance to answer. Practically, it was the nature of who stay closer, will get direct contact.

The most exact example i can give you is this. If you went to a concert, say it SJ’s concert, JYJ’s concert, whoever concert it is. If you bought the farthest seat, will you be the same as the people who bought VIPs or the very front seat.? They are differences right. So does it applies to the class. The more closer you are to the lecturer, the more possibility that you will get the information right. It’s just a simple analogy.

Well back then, some lecturers did remember my name, but i am not all the times sitting in the front line. The reason is i have difficulties in some subjects. If i sit straight to the lecturer’s face, then the probability for me to be asked is pretty high. Sometimes i tried to hide my face, hoping that the lecturer will not find my traces and did not ask. Sometimes, it works, but most of the time, it didn’t.

The second semester, we, in the fourth class, randomly being scattered all over. We have to be apart because we were divided into courses. Three classes for biology, one for physical. Again, a new environment, new colleagues. Not bad. The class full with girls and just a small number of boys. Never mind, not a problem at all. Indeed, an escape of problems.

Going through changes, it somehow changed my way of looking at the world. I started to venture into another things around, like being close the library, read politics books, philosophy, started a virtual community, involved in the so called technology. Spending times in the library, i just went half an hour to search for books that attract me much. Another three to four hours, i was stuck in front of the library’s computer.

At the time, wireless connection was not available yet, so rather than going out to the internet cafe, i used the library’s computer. Besides saving my pocket, i was labeled a ‘bookaholic’ by some people, since i spent so much time in the library. Again, i was being overrated.

The problem during my foundation studies is that i was being too much highly respected over things i never have. And to make it more dramatic, my exam results were all good. Can be considered excellent, but precisely, i am not. I accidently did well in my four semester exams. So again, i was labeled as ‘budak pandai’ which never matches me at all. I wanted to live in modesty. That’s it.

If you read from the beginning, you’ll notice the differences between the time i was in school and foundation. It’s just like two big comparison. In school, i was being low ratted, but in university, i was too much overrated. Sigh. Kids, life sure is not easy.

Look how long have i been babbling here. I don’t think anyone who came in read the first paragraph will be able to read until this line. Maybe they are, but not many.  If you are still reading from top of the entry, until this moment, you can come to me claiming a reward :P

This is not come to the end yet. I wanted to tell stories about lovely people around me. I wanted to reveal whom my friends are, why and how can they be considered as my friends. I am still waiting for another friends in my life. Waiting means seeing progressions, seeking qualities, and testing adaptabilities. Indeed, they whom i always called friends will know how much i appreciate them :)

Thank you for reading this long entry version. I may come with another story of my life soon. This is just a gist of my up and down life. If you have people whom you called friends, hold them around you, don’t let them go away. Because friends are precious. They hardly find, but easily go. Good luck to all :)

p/s Hey girls, i miss you, you, you and you…. (no linking because most of them do not own personal site)



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